It used to be hard on me getting sick with the flu and then going back to a normal diet. Getting sick with the stomach flu means eating soup, saltines, and drinking gingerale. It also means me losing a few pounds and my stomach shrinking. You might think that sounds crazy. I mean you only have the flu a few days right? Well thats true (I had it for 5 days this time around) but my body goes into starvation mode the first day of the flu. Literally. So many times in the past I would eat normally and then not eat hardly anything for days, so my body goes into starvation mode as soon as my diet is cut in half, whether its because of ED or not. So while not eating that much the last 5 days, I lost a few pounds around my stomach area. Today I ate my normal diet and I have already gained the weight back. But anyways, like I said it used to be hard on me when I would get the flu because it would take me back to my anorexic days, however this time I was literally waiting for my stomach to not feel nauseous so I could EAT. I'd wake up from a nap and be like "Can I eat real food yet". Last night I felt better for the first time in days. I was so excited, I just started eating everything. Sausage, cheese spread, chicken nuggets, pudding, it felt GOOD! I am SO happy that when I get the flu or any other type of temporary illness now, it doesn't influence me to go back to my old ways. Thats another HUGE step for me in my recovery. So yay :)

I get those "hate myself" feelings when things like this happen...

A customer at our local grocery store told me while I was checking her out, "You must be doing something wrong. This never happens when I have any other cashier"...

By this, she means the register freezing up on me when I was computing her WIC order. I actually was doing everything right. My boss was watching me, and she took me aside after that customer left and said "Leah, don't listen to what she said. The register freezes up randomly during WIC orders. It has nothing to do with what you were doing".

I was glad she said that, but at the same time it only took that one customer staring me dead in the eyes saying what she did to make my mind say "Yea, Leah, you can't do anything right. You can't even do a job that high schoolers do."

Its that black and white thinking that a lot of people who suffer from eating disorders possess. When I really stop to think about what kind of thoughts run through my head, I realize that a majority of them are all positive or all negative. Its hard for me to see the gray area.

Does anyone else have this issue? It shouldn't matter to me what a stranger says. So why does it?

Introduction

For those of you who don't know me, my name's Leah. I have a regular blog on here that's made for just my friends, but lately I've been feeling the urge to open up my story to the rest of the world.

The Title of my blog website comes from a book I finished reading not too long ago called Gaining: The truth about life after eating disorders. It was the most helpful and insightful book I have ever read on eating disorders and I've read a lot. I highly recommend the book to those who are suffering, have suffered, or know a family member or loved one who has suffered.

This blog will be about my life as a recovering anorexic; a chance for me to talk about things that I don't get to express in everyday life because I'm busy being a "normal" adult in the working world.

Some basics:

I am 24 years old.
I grew up in PA, but now live in NC.
My anorexia began when I was 15.
I wasn't formally diagnosed until I was 17.
During my senior year of high school (age 17) I was hospitalized 4 times in 8 months.
2 of those "hospitalizations" were at The Renfrew Center in Philadelphia.
I truly believe Renfrew saved my life.
I also believe Renfrew was the most challenging and scary thing I've ever done.
I praise and recommend Renfrew to almost anyone who will listen.
I started cutting at the age of 17.
There was a period of time during my anorexia that I abused laxatives, exercised until I fainted, and abused diet pills.
I have attempted suicide, also at the age of 17.
As you can see the age of 17 was not a good year for me.
I was physically abused by my younger brother. Yes, younger brother.
My younger brother is autistic with violent tendencies.
Both of my parents have been hospitalized for bouts of severe depression and suicidality.
I've been on psychiatric medicine since I was 17.
I'll 99% sure be on psych meds until I die.
In addition to anorexia, I'm diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety disorder. The doctors don't agree on which one it really is. I fit both profiles well. However, due to the help of my meds, I very rarely experience panic attacks anymore.
I graduated from college last year with my bacelors degree in Psychology.
I read psychology/ED/self help books as often as I can.
I want to help people.
I'd like to go back to Renfrew and be a speaker.
It's been 4 years since my last eating disordered related hospitalization.
Besides a skipped meal once in a blue moon, I have been symptom free for 3 years.
I am studying to be a nurse.
I don't regret my rough years with anorexia; it's made me who I am today.
I whole heartedly believe full recovery is possible for every single individual.
However, I also know that things usually don't work out that way.
2 of my friends have died from their eating disorder.
I hate that society thinks EDs are a choice or lifestyle because they aren't.
I also hate pro-ana and pro-mia websites, even though I once was apart of them.
Medication is not the cure all.
Therapy is damn hard work.
I hated my past therapists. Not because of the people they were, but because they always made me talk.
One day I will make a difference in the ED world.
I'm not afraid to tell people I was once anorexic. It's like someone saying they used to be an alcoholic and have been sober "x" years. Its a huge accomplishment. Share it.
Anyone who judges you now or for what you used to be aren't worth your time.
I own a scale, but hardly ever use it.
I eat and actually enjoy it.
I'm not afraid of pigging out in front of the tv.
I am at my ideal healthy weight that my doctors at Renfrew strived for me to be many years ago.
I am not ED-thought free. I struggle every day with thoughts. I choose recovery instead.
I still believe in the quote that a slip isn't a fall, and a lapse isn't a relapse. Its all about how you pick yourself back up.
I've learned that every person, male or female, have insecurities about their body. Its part of being human.

I also know that I could go on forever, but I will end with...Come back and read my blog. Its definitely pro recovery and I feel I have a lot to offer the blog world.
Some people say I glow.